I Realised...

I realised yesterday as I was uploading these photos from my garden, how disconnected I had become from it. For those who have never suffered from depression, it's rather difficult to translate how it changes your life. How even the simplest pleasures can't even penetrate the gloom that cloaks you. 

My garden has been neglected for over a year; she's tried with all her shows of flowers to get me activated again. Yet, still I hid from her glorious nurturing presence.

These photos were taken months ago. 

Over the past year I haven't spent much time in my sacred natural realm. A place I created from a sandy patch of nothing. A place I fondly referred to as my secret sanctuary. 

Yet over the past year, I've even been hiding from her. 

Which means that I have missed many precious moments; moments I normally treasure. 

Buds appearing.

 Chickens dust bathing.

 Bees buzzing. 

Flowers blooming.

Coming back to myself after such a deep period of misery has been an arduous task. I've refused medication from my doctor, as working in the care industry, I've seen what antidepressants can do. As difficult as it's been, I have managed to slowly claw my way out of it. With the added bonus of a sudden shock. 

I don't know why people are not more forthcoming with speaking out about depression and anxiety. I am always anxious when I am away from my safe and cosy environment. I really struggle in group environments, even if I know many of the people there. It's just how I am wired I suppose? 

I also feel that I am not really geared up for how the world is now. The fast pace. The expectations, the constant competing that humanity seems to be going through since the introduction of social media. 

I really felt there wasn't a place for humans like me. Those who enjoy the benefits of technology, yet who aren't glued to it. Those who see that a connection to our earthly mother, beautiful Gaia, is so vitality important.

 I guess us earthly guardians are a dying breed. 

I have always felt like I landed on the wrong planet, and that has seen me go through very deep and dark periods as I struggled to comprehend the world around me, and the people in it. 

And all this deep self reflection and attempts to understand a species that destroys its own planet, and reins with cruelty and violence, has seen me profoundly struggle with my own existence and self worth.

So, going forward as I wriggle out of the constraints that held my soul captive, I am going to focus on what brings my heart joy.

Nature.

I am going to forest bathe and meander and explore. 

I shall entwine my soul once again with my garden, and so too shall I flourish...