Ten years ago I embarked on a new chapter in life triggered by the death of my beloved Blossom, had I known what lay in wait for me as I set out on this journey alone in the world would I have proceeded?
That I cannot answer, as this last ten years has been one heck of a chapter, one that has finally lead me to myself.
Reflecting on the years in between now and then I began to discover that I was never really myself, I was a desperate soul who had spent a lifetime in fear trapped with the reoccurring echos of the past dominating my life.
Around the end of 2016 I realised that no one I knew had any idea who I was as I always tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, therefore I was a different Gemel for all the different people I knew.
The plan truth was I had no idea who I was.
Having delved into finding my roots during this period I realised that finding my birth mother was not the answer and after a long search of looking for her I also realised that I was taken away from her for a reason and after finally discovering all about her I have now put her back where she belongs, in the past.
Being adopted brought baggage that hung around my neck like a lump of cement, and for too long I allowed this stagnated energy to have far too much importance in my life to the point where I thought that finding my birth father and mother would somehow miraculously solve all my inner turmoil.
How I was mistaken!
There was no white picket fence and rose garden waiting, I discovered that I would not have been any better off if I had been left with my mother, the search was a disappointing end to years of longing to discover a fairytale waited at the end of my search.
No one can change the circumstances of their lives, good or bad we live with what we are given and we either grow with it or we exist with it.
The best advice I was given in this period was this.
"Why are we speaking about the past? The past is over and no longer relevant. The situations are over, the people have come and gone. No one can make you unhappy or stressed or ill. We do that to ourselves by rewinding situations over and over in our head. That is what makes people ill and stressed, angry or sad. If you want to heal and get healthy stop wasting time creating stress and illness in your body by thinking about the past.
Focus on this moment NOW what is in front of you and what is yet to become."
It was advice I would give to others, it is one of my core beliefs, yet I was not able to take my own advice until it was offered by another.
I opted for a long period of solitude, of shutting out influences and interactions with people as I finally began to discover who I was.
I have discovered that I need a simple authentic life with a handful of people to share it with.
And the decision to purchase this cottage halfway through my soul searching now makes complete sense.
We were both broken and unwanted.
Lost.
Unloved
Not seen for what we really were.
As she transformed slowly I did too.
And now as I emerge from this chapter of discovery it is at the same time where this tiny little dwelling of mine is truly coming into her own as well.
We are both finally blooming.
I have learnt to accept that which I can't control and what I cannot change.
I no longer need the past.
It was there to help me learn about life and about me as a person.
Some of the lessons have been harsh, but I now understand that I was never really fully present in my body for much of my life, I was like a sleepwalker in life, not fully here.
I have learnt that one has to love, accept and honour the self first before they are ready to share their life with another.
Now though I am living and creating my life and focusing on the beginning of a new and exciting chapter, and as it was ten years ago the canvas is blank waiting for me to paint my tomorrows......
That I cannot answer, as this last ten years has been one heck of a chapter, one that has finally lead me to myself.
Reflecting on the years in between now and then I began to discover that I was never really myself, I was a desperate soul who had spent a lifetime in fear trapped with the reoccurring echos of the past dominating my life.
Around the end of 2016 I realised that no one I knew had any idea who I was as I always tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, therefore I was a different Gemel for all the different people I knew.
The plan truth was I had no idea who I was.
Having delved into finding my roots during this period I realised that finding my birth mother was not the answer and after a long search of looking for her I also realised that I was taken away from her for a reason and after finally discovering all about her I have now put her back where she belongs, in the past.
Being adopted brought baggage that hung around my neck like a lump of cement, and for too long I allowed this stagnated energy to have far too much importance in my life to the point where I thought that finding my birth father and mother would somehow miraculously solve all my inner turmoil.
How I was mistaken!
There was no white picket fence and rose garden waiting, I discovered that I would not have been any better off if I had been left with my mother, the search was a disappointing end to years of longing to discover a fairytale waited at the end of my search.
No one can change the circumstances of their lives, good or bad we live with what we are given and we either grow with it or we exist with it.
The best advice I was given in this period was this.
"Why are we speaking about the past? The past is over and no longer relevant. The situations are over, the people have come and gone. No one can make you unhappy or stressed or ill. We do that to ourselves by rewinding situations over and over in our head. That is what makes people ill and stressed, angry or sad. If you want to heal and get healthy stop wasting time creating stress and illness in your body by thinking about the past.
Focus on this moment NOW what is in front of you and what is yet to become."
It was advice I would give to others, it is one of my core beliefs, yet I was not able to take my own advice until it was offered by another.
I opted for a long period of solitude, of shutting out influences and interactions with people as I finally began to discover who I was.
I have discovered that I need a simple authentic life with a handful of people to share it with.
And the decision to purchase this cottage halfway through my soul searching now makes complete sense.
We were both broken and unwanted.
Lost.
Unloved
Not seen for what we really were.
As she transformed slowly I did too.
And now as I emerge from this chapter of discovery it is at the same time where this tiny little dwelling of mine is truly coming into her own as well.
We are both finally blooming.
I have learnt to accept that which I can't control and what I cannot change.
I no longer need the past.
It was there to help me learn about life and about me as a person.
Some of the lessons have been harsh, but I now understand that I was never really fully present in my body for much of my life, I was like a sleepwalker in life, not fully here.
I have learnt that one has to love, accept and honour the self first before they are ready to share their life with another.
Now though I am living and creating my life and focusing on the beginning of a new and exciting chapter, and as it was ten years ago the canvas is blank waiting for me to paint my tomorrows......
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