Learning To Love....

 Learning to love and accept oneself can be a lifelong journey.

I know for me I am finally coming to see the bountiful fruits of all my deep inner work to heal the wounds of abuse and cruelty that welcomed me into this realm and then held me captive with the negative emotions and self hatred that clung to me like a leech as I made my way through life.

As I have stated before, moving here to my Magic Cottage was the real beginning of the healing process for me, as I worked to transform this neglected cottage and garden so too did I really begin to transform myself as well.

Having let go of all addictions and coping strategies that I had come to rely on to get me through the world and to stop me feeling the pain has opened up the way to really lead myself towards what I always sought, self acceptance and self love.

Yesterday I had two moments of truth presented to me and I acknowledged silently during both interactions how now I am open to accept love and how it makes me feel within to allow myself to accept the beauty others see in me, because I am now nourishing myself.

The missing ingredient I search so long for, was love, I could not love another without knowing how to love myself.

The first moment came when a new reader of my blog spoke about the way my words touched her, she told me that she was taken on a journey as my words wove a spell to take her into the moment I so beautifully described.

She said you really live in the now.

You are not distracted by the modern world of technology and wanting things and money.

You see what others walk past without a second glance.

So moved by this statement at how my personal account of being a human has touched another was humbling. I accepted the compliment and I felt a wave of contentment and gratitude wash over me as I  simply write about what it is like being me.

The second encounter yesterday was a random act of kindness from friend who has come to refer to me as her yellow clinker a term of endearment which means that I am happiness to her.

Her offer of something so beautiful came out of the blue and again I accepted this and felt the same shower of love trickle through my body as I accepted her unexpected gift.

In recent weeks this friend has shared with me what my friendship means to her, what she sees in me and what happiness I bring to her life.

At first I did not know how to accept her words the same as I struggled to do so with another friend who I reconnected with recently after several years of not seeing her.

This friend also told me of the beauty she sees in me, the depth of wisdom and gentle love that I offer without asking anything in return.

Catching up with her and her partner last weekend they both once again told me of the beauty they see in me, a beauty I have failed to recognise as lack of self confidence and self doubt has always kept me locked in a state of self deprecating behaviours that only kept in locked in the loop I so desperately wanted to get out of.

The three years I took to be completely alone was the way I finally learnt to see my self worth and inner beauty.

It was hard terrain and difficult to navigate at times and at one point I thought that I would never actually make it, yet here I am the monkey of the past off my back and I am now experiencing the world through new eyes.

Sitting with my friends last week though I spoke of a deep sadness that I am feeling, a feeling of healing too late and that I was too old to find and share my life with a man who could love me the way I never have been loved.

My friends stated that it is never too late and that I still did not quite really see the beauty within me.

One spoke of the occupation I find myself in.

He stated that only a person of true beauty could do the work I do with the depth of passion that I do it with and to give without receiving anything in return day in and day out.

He also stated that to look into my eyes took people straight into my soul, the heart of me, and now the heart is not hiding my eyes have taken on an even greater depth.

Waking up this morning full of gratitude for the handful of people that I have in my realm.

I thank them for their presence and their love and  for helping me see that maybe it isn't too late to find that mysterious cat loving, nature loving, quirky gentle soulful man to appear and share my tomorrows........