Confidence..............

Confidence is one of the things I am working on, I don't have an awful lot of it, although, most people that know me are shocked by this fact. I don't know why though, as I am the girl who likes to fade into the background, to watch as life unfolds around me. With this being said however, I have a love of bright, boldly coloured clothes, which of course ensures that fading into the background is not something that I do! So often being a part of the furniture is not something that happens. I am changing though, into a more confident and self assure woman, each day sees me shedding another part of my insecurities that in the past have seen me getting myself worked up into nervous frenzy even over simple things, like walking into a crowded room. I am testing myself daily, pushing the boundaries of what I feel I am able to achieve on my own, and I have to say it is liberating. I can now walk into a busy cafe with my head held high, striding towards the counter with a smile on my face, instead of looking inside, freaking out and rushing like a mad woman in the other direction for the safety of my car after all the inner angst that I created in my head. Talking your self into 'things' is easy, you can convince your self of anything, if you chatter about it in your head long enough. I have watched not only myself but also others around me convince themselves of all sorts of untruths after hours on inner dialogue. I guess what I am seeing now is that it does not matter what others may think of me, of how I look or what I wear, because the only one that I have to please is me. I don't have to behave in a certain way to keep anyone happy, because to do that is to sell myself short. Finding my confidence is becoming a rather enjoyable exercise, as I find myself relaxing into my skin more each day. Yesterday I decided that I wanted to wear a woolly hat, which properly would not cause many people to become anxious, but for me it was a big deal. I guess seeing that I was dressed in orange from head to toe and decided to top off my outfit with an orange hat would see me being a beacon attracting attention, I knew I was going to stand out. At home in the mirror I thought I looked okay, it was a little chilly, but not chilly enough for a warm woolly jumper, I convinced myself that the hat would be enough to keep me warm, that I looked okay. I started to think to myself that I looked silly, but all of a sudden I said. "for gods sake Gemel if you feel good in it just blinking well wear it!' So wear it I did! Yes, people stared, and yes I felt awkward at first. But then I relaxed into being me, and once I did that I felt empowered by my own courage to break free of the 'fashion' of the moment and actually be my self, Gemel, the individual. And it was liberating and freeing, it was worth it to be true to myself and to do what pleased me. Going to Fiji is going to test me on all levels, as I am going to have these inner confrontations every time I wish to leave my room, and if I am not careful I may spend the whole time ordering room service as that would be the less confronting option. Somehow I don't think that I will allow this to happen, I sense deep within me that I am embarking on the best stage of my life, where for the first time ever I am standing in my own power and loving myself enough to do what is right for me, learning to say no to anything that does not promote well being and harmony within my story, not attaching myself to people to make me feel good or to love me until I am able to achieve these things within myself first.........