Who Am I?

Having woken at in the middle of the night with these questions whirling around my head I felt the need to get it all out, in a final attempt to understand why I chose this story in life for myself.

It is my belief that we choose our life story before we incarnate into human form, therefore I knew that I was to be adopted at birth, then given to two people who would abuse me to further my souls growth. Understanding this on a soul level is one thing, dealing with it on a human level is quite another as I feel disconnected, alone, and incomplete. All of my life there has been something missing deep inside of me, I long for love, the love and bond only your parents are able to give you, I search for answers and as I have begun my quest to uncover my birth parents this final time all these questions are waiting for an answer. Whether I find an answer is of course up to the Universe, so far I have come up with a big fat zero!

Who was my mother?

Why did she not want me?

Was she raped?

Did she have an affair?

Could she really not afford another mouth to feed?

Had her marriage broken down?

Who was my Father?

Who do I look like?

For those of us who are kept by their true family these questions are never asked, and unless you have been given away you will never understand what I am feeling, of course you may have compassion for those of us who are discarded like an unwanted jumper for whatever reason, yet the facts are, a piece of you is missing, and the void that is left from this act of abandonment is as deep as the ocean. From what I have uncovered so far my mother was married, so first question is, was her husband my father? And if so, why is it no name appears on the birth certificate? For this reason I feel that something happened, what? I don't know, and maybe I will never know, yet the older I get the more I have to know who my parents were. She also had four children already, which I hasten to add she kept, do they know that out there in the world somewhere they have a sister / half sister? Why was I given away?

Having endure the suffering I did as a child saw me retreat into myself, disappearing into my own world, one of invisible friends and make believe to preserve any bit of self respect I had left, hence I was a quiet and lonely child. I did not understand why I felt that I did not belong to these people that I lived with, why they did what they did to me, buying me every doll I wanted to make up for the physical pain I endure, or perhaps that was to overcome their own guilt? How do you at the end of the day live with yourself when you sexually abuse your adopted child from such a young age? (My adopted mother once told me years later when I remembered what they had done that I was not theirs, therefore that seemed to make it okay to her??) My whole early life was void of deep love, nurturing and support, there was no love in our house, we were a family of strangers, I shut out what happened to me, blacked out my ordeals so that I could cope, still to this day most of my childhood remains locked a dark room that no matter how hard I try certain scenes are forever lost, I sense it is better this way.

Once I was told I was adopted I was devastated to say the least, my whole life I felt was a lie, I was not who I thought I was and neither where the people that surrounded me, by this stage the adopted father had left, frightened I have always suspected of getting me pregnant as I got older, curiously though he turned to religion in his later years, perhaps he found that assisted him in dealing with what he had done! Discovering that I was adopted also explained why all the relatives had nothing to do with us, I remembered them saying that I was not a blood relative, but as a small child that meant little to me, as an older child I guess I filed that away because I did not wish to deal with it. It also explained why there was no love, love like I saw in the movies I watched as an escape from my waking life. I did not understand why there was no warmth in our house, why all I knew was pain, anger and physical and mental torment, I did not have what I watched on the television, no one cared for me the way they did in these movies I watched, and I longed to have this love, I fantasied about it not knowing that years later I would be given the truth.

Getting back to my questions without digressing too much, I crave to know who I look like? My mother or father, a bit of both? Who do I take after because I have no traits of either adoptive parent! Was one of my parents as spiritual as I am? or was this the road to my survival? The only way my soul knew to heal the lessons I had piled onto myself? I long to be held in the arms of my mother, cradled gently to her bosom as she strokes my hair, feeling the love lost over years of separation, to tell her that since I have known the truth not a day goes by without me thinking of her, or my father. I long to speak with my father, to share his wisdom and love, to know these people who created this person that I am.

As I have renewed my search for these two precious people I feel that maybe I shall not get the answers I seek, all roads are leading to dead ends, she covered her tracks extremely well, I sense she did not wish to be found. And what of my father, does he even know I existed? Does he wonder at all what ever happened to this child, did he even know he has a daughter he has never seen? Does my mother think of me, wondering whatever happened to this child she carried inside of her for nine months? I feel she does, but does it haunt her or does she feel it was all for the best that I am out of sight, out of mind?

If I could tell them all something it would be this, I have forgiven all of them on a human level and thanked them all on a soul level, I know that what happened to me was what I designed before I incarnated, perhaps there was karma to repay, maybe I had been an abuser, or perhaps I wished to speed up my souls growth so that this would be the last incarnation that I would live as a human. To carry out such horrific and emotional acts is not something to be taken lightly, and as I have worked hard to find myself and cleanse myself of all the emotional and physical pain I thank them all for what they have done, because I love who I am, even though I still have a huge empty void that I cannot fill I am proud of who I am, for the mistakes I have made and the lessons I have overcome, and for what I am yet to learn. Without everything that I have endured I would not be who I am today, and for that I thank you all.

In closing I would like to add that all of us have crosses to bear, and that sometimes even your own parents can create a life that is unbearable or of suffering so despairing that you hold hatred in you heart, yet to hold onto grudges and to withhold your emotions is not the answer to the pain you suffer. We all come here to learn lessons, to play out the scripts we have so carefully written, none of us are perfect in the eyes of another, there is always someone else to blame for the pain we feel, the the situations that we find ourselves in, and yet in reality it is our self that holds the key to this anguish and it is only our self that can set us free.