Hindsight

Why is it that you feel that you must defend yourself for having made a 'mistake' (even though in life there are 'no' mistakes), an error in judgement or misinterpreting an intuitive sign can often lead you to feel as if you have dropped one mighty clanger! I know that my decision to suggest that Australia was the place to be has proved to be one of those clangers, I did not foresee how I would feel, and how I would long to be somewhere else, thousands of miles away, I simply thought that being in Australia would provide us with a new and an exciting chapter in our lives. I know that I am learning a great deal about myself, and also others that share my journey are also moving and growing in directions that perhaps they would not have, had this move not occurred. I understand that there is no wrong or right, there just is, and that the deep heart wrenching loneliness and homesickness I feel was something that I could not have possibly foreseen. I am impulsive, and spontaneous and it often these two traits of mine that lead me into my greatest challenges, which of course provide me ultimately with tremendous growth, yet taking all of this into consideration I still struggle with myself for suggesting this in the first place and with others for not being understanding and forgiving in this situation. All I can say in my defence is that I thought it was a great idea, and in many ways it has been, there have been many gifts already that have arisen out of this blunder of mine, some for me, many for the others that share my journey, there has been growth in many directions.

As for my homesickness, that has even surprised me, especially its intensity, whenever I see a movie of England I am instantly moved by an uncontrollable force within me, I know within my heart that is where I wish to be, I long for the seasons, the countryside, the way of life, the atmosphere that is England, everything that I am now was made in England, I cannot help this and it is not invented, it simply is! I know that a lot of people close to me do not understand this, in fact most Australians I would imagine would think I have lost the plot entirely, how could I possibly swap the beaches and the clear sunny skies for what they view as a grey and sunless existence, people are too harsh on England most of the time out of ignorance because some people who say such things have never been to the country, others I feel defend their country because I feel that they can't understand how someone could not want to stay here. I guess it boils down to where you feel at home, where your roots are, I did not realise that mine where so firmly planted many miles away. We have made a decision to stay for a few more years, and I know that I will never truly be here, not totally, a part of me remains asleep and waiting, waiting for that moment when we return to the place where my soul feels at home, the country where I found myself, to the land that I belong.