Blackie put in a rare daytime appearance this morning so I took the opportunity to take some photos of him....................
If you look closely you can just make out the missing tip of his ear..................
Covered in dirt after I scratched and tickled his tummy as he rolled squirmed around on his back.............
Bless his beautiful heart, a few moments of reflection before he ate his breakfast and then headed off to wherever it is he goes...............................
After much anticipation I finally have flowers on this Sturt Desert Pea, which I have been told are difficult to grow........................
This tree has an abundance of buds waiting to explode.....................
And all of them enticing the native nectar eating birds, a little slice of heaven in my humble garden...............
Back to normal for another week until the paint brushes come out again....................
Already my imagination is working double time as inspiration seeps into me for the finishing touches.........................
Still I am really pleased with this result..................................
And so is Madame B, she is contented now her bed is back in position! Bless her divine kitty heart......
Bless her little heart, Madame B was NOT AMUSED let me tell you as her mid morning sun trap disappeared because of decorating, again! She gave up in the end and settled down in what little sun she could find................
Of course the bedding simply will not go with the colours that I have chosen for the feature wall, shame, it will mean getting something new, and I just happen to know where to start my search.......................
By this time next week it will be all just about back to normal, well this room in any case!!!!
Apart from being the adored and utterly pampered, what else does this elderly princess get up to in a day????????
Sitting out in the garden enjoying a moment of solitude............
Wondering at her chances of getting that crow (the one that was minutes before walking around right in front of her.) Although somehow I feel that Blossom has ever been big on the do it yourself diet! She is far to refine for that sort of behaviour.........
And of course asking for her food bowl to be refilled (regularly,) which she does by sending vibes to me, never shouts, just sits and waits.
Although I must add that she does insist on shouting at others who always fail to hear her silent requests.
Of late of have been forgetting my connections with the Universe, I don't beat myself up over my minor lapses though, I know that it is all part of my journey, with its highs and lows it makes my story come to life, working out all the little hiccups as I stride forward towards understanding myself. I know that loosing my dear friend has played a part in my recent melancholy, I have retreated deeper into myself than normal, irritated at life, and its uncertainty, especially seeing that only days before receiving the tragic news I was contemplating how fortunate my life was, that I had not lost anyone close to me..........
These thoughts have haunted me since, how wounding the Universe seemed to me at this time.
I wonder what it was that pushed my friend to such measures to ensure her peace, what plagued her so that death was the final answer, that she found now hope to inspire her, no love or support in her friendships close enough to console her. Life is a fragile performance, at any given moment the balance may change, presenting us with a situation that we would much rather have done without. Yet, all these moments that entwine themselves to become our life are interwoven with such precision and skill that we will always receive the boon that will enhance our growth, even if we do not see this at the time. As I look around myself to those that surround me, family, friends, work colleagues, shop assistants, everyone I see or deal with on any given day, I find myself pondering their journeys, what are they really going through, how do they feel about themselves and their life, I mean really feel. We all have the faces that we wear, my friends face was so convincing that no one apart from me knew of her sheer desperation, she played her part well, covering her heartbreaking unhappiness from all that encountered her. How well do we really know anyone, most of us don't even truly know ourselves, we hide parts of ourselves we don't wish to deal with, we off load other parts to people we share our journey with pretending that it is their fault we are the way we are, yet in the harsh face of reality we must face the parts of us that hurt, the parts of us that are in need of healing, the parts of us we don't like, the parts of us 'someone' else created, working through the layers of guilt and self loathing to unleash the acceptance we seek, knowing that to find peace with the self is the only true way to find peace with the world.
Yesterday as I was being chauffeured along in the warmth of the late afternoon sun after a take-away coffee I began snapping random shots with my camera as we headed for home........
The silvery sea was mesmerizing, tempting me to enter the cleansing cooling water...............
A wander in the sand dunes perhaps, settling to watch the sun as it made its way unhurriedly towards the horizon..........................
Or a lazy amble around a local park, stopping to feed the ducks and geese.....................
Leaving the world behind for another day we decided to head towards our own private sanctuary.........
My meditation/ therapy room is finally being painted covering the cold white bare walls with warming earthy tones to generate an ambiance of tranquility, a place of quiet surrender.
Last weekend saw the first stage of this transformation with the feature wall being done in a subtle ruby red enhancing the already therapeutic mood to the room.
As work recommenced this morning I am eagerly awaiting the final brushstroke this afternoon.............
Surround by an aura of Oneness as I sat and greeted dawn this morning I felt a connection with the Universe on a deeper than usual level, as I sat watching the stillness of the sunrise illuminate the darkened sky I felt the pressure of a hand gently placed upon my shoulder, the warmth of this touch could be none other than Barbara my recently departed friend.
I have felt her with me on numerous occasions since her earthly exit, which I know has assisted me in dealing with the shock of her death. Sitting in the amber glow enjoying this solitude sipping my morning coffee I was reminded of what a gift friendship really is and how we take it for granted that those that we love will always be there for us, that tragedies like Barbara's happen to others, never ourselves. My understanding is that everything happens in divine order, that nothing is an accident, everything good, bad or indifferent is exactly as it should be, that what happened to Barbara was not an accident, it was something that she was destined to do. I knew that she was in pain, hurting to such a degree that I had not witnessed before, seeing the deep sadness that was within her when I was recently at home with her in the UK was unsettling to me, so much so that I phoned her from the airport to voice my concerns, concerns as it turns out that were justified. Moments such as this one this morning give me verification that my beliefs are true, life does not end with the shedding of the body that we inhabit whilst here on earth, that the love that binds us to another never ends, it is with us for eternity.
I miss Barbara so much, I have to stop myself from reaching for the phone to call her, to hear her cheery voice on the other end of the line telling me tales of her latest adventures, the grief at these times is unbearable, it comes from nowhere, engulfing me with such power that I am overwhelmed with its intensity. Yet here she was this morning sitting by my side sharing a quiet moment, letting me know that she is never far away.
My crows were enjoying an intimate moment in the rain the other day.
He was obviously whispering sweet nothings in her ear judging by the look in her eye..........
Even without being able to hear what they are saying, you can feel the love between these two, the tenderness of this encounter is radiating from them, it was a blessing to witness such a private moment................
Because of the lack of human speech many people believe that animals are stupid unfeeling creatures that are void of any sort of real emotion, yet if we still ourselves enough to watch these magnificent beings interacting with their families you will see the love and devotion that many feel are reserved for the the human animal alone.
Some of my more inventive bookmarks of late.
Another book!!!!!
And tissues, (clean of course!!)
There are ample bookmarks scattered about the house except of course when I want one, yet no matter where I am I always manage to find just the right thing to keep my place! Who knows what I will come up with next!!
Having woken at in the middle of the night with these questions whirling around my head I felt the need to get it all out, in a final attempt to understand why I chose this story in life for myself.
It is my belief that we choose our life story before we incarnate into human form, therefore I knew that I was to be adopted at birth, then given to two people who would abuse me to further my souls growth. Understanding this on a soul level is one thing, dealing with it on a human level is quite another as I feel disconnected, alone, and incomplete. All of my life there has been something missing deep inside of me, I long for love, the love and bond only your parents are able to give you, I search for answers and as I have begun my quest to uncover my birth parents this final time all these questions are waiting for an answer. Whether I find an answer is of course up to the Universe, so far I have come up with a big fat zero!
Who was my mother?
Why did she not want me?
Was she raped?
Did she have an affair?
Could she really not afford another mouth to feed?
Had her marriage broken down?
Who was my Father?
Who do I look like?
For those of us who are kept by their true family these questions are never asked, and unless you have been given away you will never understand what I am feeling, of course you may have compassion for those of us who are discarded like an unwanted jumper for whatever reason, yet the facts are, a piece of you is missing, and the void that is left from this act of abandonment is as deep as the ocean. From what I have uncovered so far my mother was married, so first question is, was her husband my father? And if so, why is it no name appears on the birth certificate? For this reason I feel that something happened, what? I don't know, and maybe I will never know, yet the older I get the more I have to know who my parents were. She also had four children already, which I hasten to add she kept, do they know that out there in the world somewhere they have a sister / half sister? Why was I given away?
Having endure the suffering I did as a child saw me retreat into myself, disappearing into my own world, one of invisible friends and make believe to preserve any bit of self respect I had left, hence I was a quiet and lonely child. I did not understand why I felt that I did not belong to these people that I lived with, why they did what they did to me, buying me every doll I wanted to make up for the physical pain I endure, or perhaps that was to overcome their own guilt? How do you at the end of the day live with yourself when you sexually abuse your adopted child from such a young age? (My adopted mother once told me years later when I remembered what they had done that I was not theirs, therefore that seemed to make it okay to her??) My whole early life was void of deep love, nurturing and support, there was no love in our house, we were a family of strangers, I shut out what happened to me, blacked out my ordeals so that I could cope, still to this day most of my childhood remains locked a dark room that no matter how hard I try certain scenes are forever lost, I sense it is better this way.
Once I was told I was adopted I was devastated to say the least, my whole life I felt was a lie, I was not who I thought I was and neither where the people that surrounded me, by this stage the adopted father had left, frightened I have always suspected of getting me pregnant as I got older, curiously though he turned to religion in his later years, perhaps he found that assisted him in dealing with what he had done! Discovering that I was adopted also explained why all the relatives had nothing to do with us, I remembered them saying that I was not a blood relative, but as a small child that meant little to me, as an older child I guess I filed that away because I did not wish to deal with it. It also explained why there was no love, love like I saw in the movies I watched as an escape from my waking life. I did not understand why there was no warmth in our house, why all I knew was pain, anger and physical and mental torment, I did not have what I watched on the television, no one cared for me the way they did in these movies I watched, and I longed to have this love, I fantasied about it not knowing that years later I would be given the truth.
Getting back to my questions without digressing too much, I crave to know who I look like? My mother or father, a bit of both? Who do I take after because I have no traits of either adoptive parent! Was one of my parents as spiritual as I am? or was this the road to my survival? The only way my soul knew to heal the lessons I had piled onto myself? I long to be held in the arms of my mother, cradled gently to her bosom as she strokes my hair, feeling the love lost over years of separation, to tell her that since I have known the truth not a day goes by without me thinking of her, or my father. I long to speak with my father, to share his wisdom and love, to know these people who created this person that I am.
As I have renewed my search for these two precious people I feel that maybe I shall not get the answers I seek, all roads are leading to dead ends, she covered her tracks extremely well, I sense she did not wish to be found. And what of my father, does he even know I existed? Does he wonder at all what ever happened to this child, did he even know he has a daughter he has never seen? Does my mother think of me, wondering whatever happened to this child she carried inside of her for nine months? I feel she does, but does it haunt her or does she feel it was all for the best that I am out of sight, out of mind?
If I could tell them all something it would be this, I have forgiven all of them on a human level and thanked them all on a soul level, I know that what happened to me was what I designed before I incarnated, perhaps there was karma to repay, maybe I had been an abuser, or perhaps I wished to speed up my souls growth so that this would be the last incarnation that I would live as a human. To carry out such horrific and emotional acts is not something to be taken lightly, and as I have worked hard to find myself and cleanse myself of all the emotional and physical pain I thank them all for what they have done, because I love who I am, even though I still have a huge empty void that I cannot fill I am proud of who I am, for the mistakes I have made and the lessons I have overcome, and for what I am yet to learn. Without everything that I have endured I would not be who I am today, and for that I thank you all.
In closing I would like to add that all of us have crosses to bear, and that sometimes even your own parents can create a life that is unbearable or of suffering so despairing that you hold hatred in you heart, yet to hold onto grudges and to withhold your emotions is not the answer to the pain you suffer. We all come here to learn lessons, to play out the scripts we have so carefully written, none of us are perfect in the eyes of another, there is always someone else to blame for the pain we feel, the the situations that we find ourselves in, and yet in reality it is our self that holds the key to this anguish and it is only our self that can set us free.
This little joey has one thing on it's mind..........................
Come on mum, wake up......................................
Please get up, here let me help you.......................................
One, two three, up we go............................................
Thank goodness, I was STARVING............................................
