The Day I.......................

The day I was born my mother made a decision, one that has paved the way for the rest of my life. From her rejection of me, the moment of my birth she profoundly influenced the stories and struggles of my future, one wound in pain, and of mourning, the loss of a love. Did she give me the world or restrict me from ever finding true and lasting happiness with another human during this lifetime? What power she had............. As I search the closets of my mind, looking for something, anything to show me the way forward, to understand what it is that I desired to achieve in this incarnation, what did I wish to learn, I stare at an empty canvas, lost, alone. Why would I choose a story so void of true love, to choose not only a birth mother but also adoptive parents who too were cruel, unloving, cold? For those who fail to understand the depth of my emotions and connections to my beloved Blossom, if you search deep into the subtle signals from my earliest memories, then you find the answer. My animals have given to me what no human ever has, unconditional love. They have never hurt me, have never lied to me or rejected me. They gave me love, in its purest form, without an agenda, without a reason. As I stand once again on the edge of a new beginning I search my soul for answers, for where to go and what to do. What is the destiny of my soul, must I always search for that which eludes me? Love Acceptance Peace.... Why is my soul unfulfilled, why is it that I cry on the inside, tears for the human love that can not reach inside to where the hollowness craves the warmth of its affection, love without conditions, without rules, without history, without pain. As I reflect on the stories of my journey, the people who have been cast in my dramas I see a distance between us all, that there was always an invisible boundary that no one human has ever crossed, because I felt deep deep inside that they too will reject me eventually, it is just a matter of time, I must protect myself. Is this why I once again find myself standing on the verge of loss? Is this why I find it difficult to truly trust another human fully? I see their hidden rules that must be obeyed for love to be given, whether mother, father, brother, daughter, son, relative or friend everyone has a reason to manipulate and withhold love, conditions that if we fail to do as we are told we have that which we crave the most taken away from us, withdrawn leaving us hollow and empty. I look at my life at who I am and my beliefs, beliefs that have been my savior throughout the misery of my rejection, to wake to see the Sun smiling warmly upon me, my animals greeting me with their warmth and purity each day, only these were constant, only they gave real love. The humans always let me down, or did I retreat from them, protecting myself from the curse that hounds me so. Hiding in fear of the rejection that will eventually come. Have I retreated so far into my self that I now deny myself a true connection with another human? Do I only feel the warmth of my glorious Creator through the silence of my meditations, my healing, animals and nature? As I search the souvenirs of my life, I see that I held back, always in fear of truly giving to a person, that to completely trust another would be to sacrifice myself to lose control of my heart, and to do that would only bring me more of the same. So I chose distance, retreating to the comfort of my silence, animals and nature. As my year ends today I look back on a turbulent year, one of such sadness, despair and horrendous pain, as the day takes me further into a new tomorrow I feel that the storm is about to break, the light will begin finally to find its way through the clouds, that in the cleansing of Blue Electric Storm Year, I find myself open and waiting for the new dawn to rise, greeting me with a blossoming of life, perhaps for the first time in the blooming in the fullness of truth. As I focus on the freshness of a promising beginning of a new year the alluring appeal of nothingness captivates me so, yet scares me too at the same time. What awaits me in the rising of my tomorrows? What is life really about? Why is it that we come here to learn, to burden ourselves with unspeakable lessons that if broken through will carry us to an euphoric ending, one of lessons finally achieved, karma dealt with, and the freedom to walk forward with a enlightened heart. Is it all worth it? As I walked around my garden the chilly wind biting through to the core of my being I wept, sorrow bubbling up from the depths of my broken heart, standing there openly asking what is it I am suppose to do? Where am I suppose to go? Who am I pretending to be....................................