Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I have just had the worst haircut in the history of the world. I shall not be able to go out in public without a paper bag secured to my head for weeks ............ it REALLY is that bad. I feel angry at myself for suggesting that the hairdresser fix the part of my fringe that I burnt off (DON"T ASK) I should have left well enough alone. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears, although the tears I feel stem from much deeper than that. This quite simply is the LAST STRAW, something as simple as a bad hair cut has unleashed everything that has been bubbling inside of me. Hair will actually grow back, eventually, and YES I know that and it could be a lot worse, I do not require reminding of that. I am fed up with everything at present and perhaps this is the Universes way of getting it out of my system, bringing it to a head, cleansing me. All I know is that I suddenly feel like there is no point, that all my beliefs and positivity just get up and slap me in the face from time to time to remind how hateful and pointless this human life really is. OUCH, that is harsh, I feel harsh, I do all the things a devoted and dedicated little spiritual person ought to do, everyday (although of late I have been slipping) and I boost others and support my friends, always see the positive side, walk on the bright side of the road, yet this really is simply unbearable. Maybe it is the pressure of selling the house too, no that is just another smoke screen. I know that as much as I put on a 'happy' face I can not hide the sadness and loneliness that is present within my heart, the isolation I feel. I keep telling myself that this challenge is the final one, that I have been through far worse (I have, and lived to tell the tale) maybe I am just tired, out of pep, happiness and zing! Whatever it is I have not felt this blue, this down and so utterly alone in a very long time, a dark corner somewhere to crawl into is required, needed at least until this atrocious hair cut grows back. All my best friends are so far away, I miss them so much, I always had them to talk to, not that I can't still, but it is by phone, letter or email, hardly the same thing, no hugs available in these methods, and boy do I require a hug. I know what I am saying may well manifest even worse to come if I am not careful, however I can not contain this any longer, perhaps that has been the problem, I have not been honest about how I feel. I don't fit into this society, I miss England with an intensity that I never knew existed, I can not change that, it simply IS. Although everyone I know says it is only for a while longer, it is not them that has to endure my pain, hindsight is marvelous and if we all knew what would happen a little further down the road we would not make as many mistakes as we do, I know I thought that this would be a good move, I accept all the responsibility completely, it still does not make it any easier to endure, because I feel that coming here was the worst mistake of my life. Although there are no mistakes, I am here because I made it happen, I require this pain to grow and to transcend this anguish that I currently feel, and presently it is all too raw for me to see what to do, how to get through, yet I know that I will, and I may well bless this hairdresser in a week or two, maybe even a month, for kick starting me into action, for really facing up and saying what it is that is making me feel down, empty and so desperately alone.

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