Friday, September 21, 2012

There Comes A Time......

There comes a time when suddenly you see that the only one of great importance in your life, is the one who stares back at you in the mirror.
Suddenly, it is so obvious that there is no one else who can ease the burdens, or, lighten your heart.
Life is peculiar, and after years of attempting to make any sense out of it, wondering what the point of it all is, attempting to find real happiness, true love, companionship, I have decided that it is time to end the search.
The last three years in particular have been perhaps the most harrowing, as in this recent past I have learnt the hard way just how hurtful, isolating, selfish and dishonest the majority of humanity truly is.
I have in this time, out of desperation had several brief relationships which I knew before embarking upon them, were not meant to be, yet, being made to feel that there is something wrong with me being 'alone' I would carry on attempting to make them more than they were, just wanting to feel loved, accepted as normal.
But, the emptiness did not leave, in fact it became worse, I have discovered more than once, it is far worse to be lonely when you are in a 'relationship' than it is when you are truly on your own.
Around me I see many others, who, out of a fear of being alone, cling to relationships that are over, or seek a younger sleeker partner to bump up their failing ego's, or those who simply abuse themselves with the devastation the loneliness causes.
Being a single older woman is not easy, as in this age of silicone and botox anyone who prefers to wear their age naturally is not viewed as appealing,  hence we are made to feel well past our use by date, and that no one with any sense would want us.
I have come to the conclusion that nobody sees me, that I walk through the world like a ghost, neither seen nor heard, and I am now feeling comfortable with this arrangement, making my peace with this has taken time, I have been hurt deeply in this period of transformation, but now I have finally seen the path to my happiness stretching out before me, knowing that the only one who can ease my inner sadness, is, in fact me.
I have a house full of love, love of innocent purity, from three cherished felines, and from what I have seen of humanity, no human relationship could give me this level of true soul connection, for, they ask for nothing, they simply love and accept me for who I am, they see me the way no other human ever has.
Seeing the pain that I have inflicted upon myself in a quest of fitting in with what society deems as normal has caused me to lose my self respect, it has pushed me to the darkest place I have ever been, a place that if I continued following the trail in front of me would have ended in disaster.
Now is the moment to stand tall and proud of the being I am, to regain the control in the writing of my story, penning it with love, and thus creating, many more harmonious adventures.......

1 comment:

PerthDailyPhoto said...

I hope that when you look in the mirror Gemel, you see a beautiful, caring, wonderful person looking back at you, because over the time that I've been reading your blog that's exactly what I see. You hit the nail right on the head when you said that until you're happy within yourself nothing or no one can do it for you. Enjoy your feline friends and revel in the little piece of paradise that you have created for yourself, you have much to be thankful for.