Friday, July 24, 2009

The Day I.......................

The day I was born my mother made a decision, one that has paved the way for the rest of my life. From her rejection of me, the moment of my birth she profoundly influenced the stories and struggles of my future, one wound in pain, and of mourning, the loss of a love. Did she give me the world or restrict me from ever finding true and lasting happiness with another human during this lifetime? What power she had............. As I search the closets of my mind, looking for something, anything to show me the way forward, to understand what it is that I desired to achieve in this incarnation, what did I wish to learn, I stare at an empty canvas, lost, alone. Why would I choose a story so void of true love, to choose not only a birth mother but also adoptive parents who too were cruel, unloving, cold? For those who fail to understand the depth of my emotions and connections to my beloved Blossom, if you search deep into the subtle signals from my earliest memories, then you find the answer. My animals have given to me what no human ever has, unconditional love. They have never hurt me, have never lied to me or rejected me. They gave me love, in its purest form, without an agenda, without a reason. As I stand once again on the edge of a new beginning I search my soul for answers, for where to go and what to do. What is the destiny of my soul, must I always search for that which eludes me? Love Acceptance Peace.... Why is my soul unfulfilled, why is it that I cry on the inside, tears for the human love that can not reach inside to where the hollowness craves the warmth of its affection, love without conditions, without rules, without history, without pain. As I reflect on the stories of my journey, the people who have been cast in my dramas I see a distance between us all, that there was always an invisible boundary that no one human has ever crossed, because I felt deep deep inside that they too will reject me eventually, it is just a matter of time, I must protect myself. Is this why I once again find myself standing on the verge of loss? Is this why I find it difficult to truly trust another human fully? I see their hidden rules that must be obeyed for love to be given, whether mother, father, brother, daughter, son, relative or friend everyone has a reason to manipulate and withhold love, conditions that if we fail to do as we are told we have that which we crave the most taken away from us, withdrawn leaving us hollow and empty. I look at my life at who I am and my beliefs, beliefs that have been my savior throughout the misery of my rejection, to wake to see the Sun smiling warmly upon me, my animals greeting me with their warmth and purity each day, only these were constant, only they gave real love. The humans always let me down, or did I retreat from them, protecting myself from the curse that hounds me so. Hiding in fear of the rejection that will eventually come. Have I retreated so far into my self that I now deny myself a true connection with another human? Do I only feel the warmth of my glorious Creator through the silence of my meditations, my healing, animals and nature? As I search the souvenirs of my life, I see that I held back, always in fear of truly giving to a person, that to completely trust another would be to sacrifice myself to lose control of my heart, and to do that would only bring me more of the same. So I chose distance, retreating to the comfort of my silence, animals and nature. As my year ends today I look back on a turbulent year, one of such sadness, despair and horrendous pain, as the day takes me further into a new tomorrow I feel that the storm is about to break, the light will begin finally to find its way through the clouds, that in the cleansing of Blue Electric Storm Year, I find myself open and waiting for the new dawn to rise, greeting me with a blossoming of life, perhaps for the first time in the blooming in the fullness of truth. As I focus on the freshness of a promising beginning of a new year the alluring appeal of nothingness captivates me so, yet scares me too at the same time. What awaits me in the rising of my tomorrows? What is life really about? Why is it that we come here to learn, to burden ourselves with unspeakable lessons that if broken through will carry us to an euphoric ending, one of lessons finally achieved, karma dealt with, and the freedom to walk forward with a enlightened heart. Is it all worth it? As I walked around my garden the chilly wind biting through to the core of my being I wept, sorrow bubbling up from the depths of my broken heart, standing there openly asking what is it I am suppose to do? Where am I suppose to go? Who am I pretending to be....................................

5 comments:

Nancy said...

Gemel, I am so sorry you have had the experiences you have had with your mother and adoptive parents. Isn't that what every mother, who gives her child up to adoption fears the most? I, too know what it is like to grow up without a "true" mother, as mine died when I was six. It is a very lonely feeling for a little girl.

Our animals provide unconditional love, but we know we will probably outlive them, so it's important to make connections with people, too. This blog is a good start - you have people who care for you, and feel your sadness at the loss of your beloved Blossom. You are not alone. We can go through this journey with you. (Do you read The Gold Puppy? - Reya just lost her beloved dog, Jake, and is feeling very sad, too. Also Stacey's Snacks just lost her very loved cat, and is cooking up a storm, to help with the loss.) Love and light coming your way.

Anonymous said...

Gem. You are as your name states. The sadness in your heart only you know.We can be there whenever you need us to hold and comfort you, but know that it will be a lifetime for you to recover from your loss of the lovely BLOSS! We know she gave you so much pleasure and when the time came for you to make the decision to send her off to cat heaven it was not an easy choice. For me personally Blossom was the closest I ever got to a cat and even tickling her on her head or gently smoothing her coat was a big step for me, as I have told you before, I have always feared them, but not your baby. I have found a very special friend in you Gem and please know I will be there for you in whatever path you choose. Love and Blessings. ANN XX

Mel said...

I don't know what to say to you...other than that I completely understand your connection to your animals and how they gave you so much...so very unconditionally....I have always had that same relationship with animals...growing up, I chose to spend my time in a barn, rather than a shopping mall like so many of my friends....

As for your relations with humans - your story sounds very similar to my friends' - given up for adoption and then adopted by a couple who were not meant to have children - cold, distant, abusive...anyway, she just found her birth mother, after 44 years of waiting, wondering, fearing...and it's been good, very good. But in the interim, she chose animals - specifically cats - as her companions...humans had failed her time and again.

Wishing you peace on your Journey....

Marlene said...

I often have asked that question ,why we choose the story we do when we come to this life..sometimes the lessons we have agreed to learn here..are not apparent to us as we go thru life's lessons and challanges. I am sorry for your hardships when you were young..but your lack of love from a parent apprarently did not effect your ability to give unconditional love and gentleness ..your connection to nature and animals is great I moved almost every year of my youth due to my fathers job..and I always turned to my animals companions as friends..since I knew people never stayed..as I got older I allowed a few kindred spirits close and gained trust slowly..now..I have expanded to allow people totally diff than I am and realized we all carry the weight of our upbringing with us and it shapes us and is hard to shake it sometimes..I wish for you
that you open yourself to love and trust..just like Blossom did to you..she gave you a chance..and what a wonderful thing it was for you both! animals are our best teacher.........

Trina said...

I don't think I can say anything more or better than what others here have said. I have not known your pain, but I have known pain that at times I thought would never abate; and, I too, wondered why I chose this path for myself.

You have brought light into my life with your thoughts and words, and I pray for your burdens to lift and the light shine on you again.