Sunday, May 06, 2007
Around and around in circles I have been going, I have broken my own rules and created my own dis-harmony, perhaps in order to stay stuck? who knows, except me of course. I am not going to repeat my mistakes here again, I understand and know what they are, that I created them, and I know that I can un-create them too, I have seen that I have been but an observer in my life for a period of time, simply sitting here watching becoming worse by the day, living somewhere that I thought, truly thought would be the place to live, only to find it has taken my soul, I am empty, unhappy and soundly asleep inside, and so numb it is heart wrenching. I know that there are no mistakes, that this earthly journey of mine was to include this second time in Australia, yet I am aware enough to know that I must somehow find the strength to carry on, to make it through in a place that makes me so desperately unhappy and lonely, where no matter how hard I have attempted to 'fit' in I never will, my soul belongs elsewhere, thousands of miles away. I will not see my relationship crumble because of this, I understand that we both have the ability to grow and to transcend this move to Australia, yet to do so we must honour ourselves, let go of the past and move forward together as one, because that we truly are, ONE! If I have learnt nothing else from this lifetime, it is that we are not separate from each other, so to blame someone else for our 'unhappiness' is to actually blame our self, and to blame the actions of the past, a 'mistake' for the state of our relationships or life is actually ridiculous, because these events are gone, nothing we can do can ever change the outcome and no amount of 'I told you so's' will ever change the place in which you now stand, you can only do that by actively changing yourself! I know that I created this issue with my knee and my operation as a cry for help from my soul, I had given up, lost my love of life, of spirituality and therefore placed myself into a self inflicted prison, for punishment of my failure. I have not failed, I am capable of creating all I desire by believing in myself, I am also capable of standing on my own two feet, depending on myself for my healing and my inspiration, I need no other to show me the way, I am my own teacher. So often in the quest for spiritual enlightenment you are urged to leave those behind who hamper your growth, however no one hampers any ones growth, you can use others as a scape goat allowing you to put the blame for your so called failings onto someone else, when in fact if you feel you failed, then you managed that all on your own. Many new agers should actually take responsibility for their actions, and their progress instead of allowing their teachers and their peers to give them permission to blame others in their life for the situations they find themselves in, because they are wrong. No one makes us do or say anything we don't want to say, if we give away our power we do so willingly, perhaps because we are not quiet ready to proceed, and you know what? That is okay.